Fish-Flavored Baseball Bat

It's a John Cleese reference.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007


July 30: Ingmar Bergman. Michelangelo Antonioni.

This has got to mean something, but the atmosphere is too Bergmanesque and Antonionian for me to ponder it right now.

Now, should I watch "Persona" or "La Notte"?


Saturday, July 28, 2007

What I Sang 7-28

Yeah, I know I haven't had time to post this past week (I'm really sorry I missed out on Thursday Night Thinking and Friday Night Fights)...sorry.

I only had time for one song at CB South tonight...a song I chose not only for its own sake, but also because it supplied the title of a great Jaime Hernandez storyline:

"Wigwam Bam" by Sweet.

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Sunday, July 22, 2007

What I Sang 7-21

In celebration of a certain book release, I made all my song selections with a theme in mind:

"Do You Believe in Magic" by The Lovin' Spoonful.
"I Put a Spell on You" by Screamin' Jay Hawkins. (Techinically, it was the Creedence Clearwater Revival version in the karaoke book...but as far as I'm concerned, Screamin' Jay's is THE version!)
"Abracadabra" by The Steve Miller Band.
"You Can Do Magic" by America.
"Magic" by Olivia Newton-John.
"Magical Mystery Tour" by The Beatles.
"Love Potion #9" by The Searchers.

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Friday, July 20, 2007

Friday Night Fights: Blood & Gutz

From Savage Tales #1 (1985): Blood makes his feelings known. Written, drawn, and lettered by the tragically short-lived Will Jungkuntz.

(Bahlactus knows what Blood & Gutz are all about...)


Thursday, July 19, 2007

Thursday Night Thinking: Squirrel Girl Has a Plan...

...A plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a squirrel!

(Diamondrock is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed...)

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Friday, July 13, 2007

Friday Night Fights: That's Using Your Head

I actually have to commend writer Melanie J. Morgan for not having Nick make the obvious "using your head" quip. I, on the other hand, am totally shameless.
(Heads up for Bahlactus!)

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

Thursday Night Thinking: Cooper Cogitates

Betty Cooper demonstrates that, even if you're only reiterating the obvious, it's still thinking.
(Diamondrock hardly needs to have the obvious pointed out...)

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

A B.R.A.W.L. Invitational

Since I've made a few posts chronicling the events of B.R.A.W.L. the improv/wrestling show at Dad's Garage...and since the show is about to come to a conclusion...I just had an idea I'd like to suggest for all you readers out there, particularly the artistically-inclined ones.

In the first place, I'm assuming that, apart from my friends who actually work at Dad's Garage, most of the people reading this have never been there and have no idea what the actors and characters look like. So, I'm issuing the B.R.A.W.L. Character Design Invitational! Since the B.R.A.W.L. characters are so close to comic-book heroes & villains, let's see your interpretations of what they might look like, based solely on the characters' names and the little information you can glean from the past fight reports.

A quick rundown of this season's dramatis personae:

Armando: Smooth ladies' man.
Chad Champion: Former champion, current announcer...heartless rich bastard.
Comic Kaze: Stand-up wrestler.
Cowboy Ross Gordon: Former wrestler, now announcer.
Feral Fawcett: Half-woman, half-animal.
Heartmurmur Sampson: Boxer turned wrestler.
Little Bunny F-- You: Adorable but nasty.
Manorexia: Disturbing physique in see-through tights. Under no circumstances draw this guy.
Noble Savage: Murderous champion.
Professor D.Q. McGillicutty: The wise old man of referees.
Reparation H: Wrestler. Activist.
Ricky Spitz: All-American golden boy.
Separation H: Clone. Extremist.
Silent Violent: World's deadliest mime.
Smarky Mark: Internet know-it-all.
Stephen Platinum: Former B.R.A.W.L. champion, heel turned face.
Steven Platinum: Stephen's evil, goateed clone.
Straightlaced Billy Tyler: The no-nonsense, by-the-book referee with the cybernetic right hand.

I don't know whether I'll get any results from this, but I just thought I'd throw it out there. Have fun, everybody!


Sunday, July 08, 2007

B.R.A.W.L. Double Shot Part 2: Dad's Garage vs. Good Taste!

And now, my report on the penultimate episode of B.R.A.W.L.!

B.R.A.W.L. Week 8

Referee Professor D.Q. McGillicutty took his son, Straightlaced Billy Tyler, out for a father-son bonding night on the a strip club. The adorable but foul-mouthed Little Bunny F-- You followed them in, and was shocked to discover that her boyfriend Reuben was one of the dancers. He tried to explain that he needed the money, but she wanted no part of it. Reuben challenged her to a Love-Me-Or-Leave-Me match with their relationship as the stakes.

Boxer-turned-wrestler Heartmurmur Sampson was being interviewed, when Internet know-it-all Smarky Mark burst in, tired of Heartmurmur's constant insults and insinuations. The fight was on, with Heartmurmur thrashing Mark easily...until Mark got in a lucky blow to Sampson's chest, setting off his heart murmur and killing him. (Turns out it wasn't just a catchy nickname.) As Mark gloated over his victory, the audience booed loudly. Blaming the audience for his unpopularity, Mark angrily challenged the entire house to a match next week.

Feral Fawcett, wearing a black veil in mourning for Armando, led the audience in a Santeria ritual in an attempt to contact his spirit. Before that could happen, however, a note arrived from The Terrorist, explaining that he was disgusted by this display of love, and challenging her to a Love vs. Hate match.

Reparation H issued a challenge to The Noble Savage, when his clone Separation H interrupted, urging him to stop the cycle of black-on-black violence for the entertainment of a white audience. R.H. replied that this challenge wasn't about race or was about avenging Armando.

Stand-up wrestler Comic Kaze was interviewing Ricky Spitz and Manorexia about the upcoming induction of a new member to the B.R.A.W.L. Hall of Fame, pointing out that only one of them could enter. Ricky and Manorexia each insisted that the other was more deserving, continually building each other up while debasing themselves. They challenged each other to a You're-Better-Than-Me Respect-Off match.

The bout between Reparation H and The Noble Savage began. The cocky Savage offered R.H. the first blow for free; R.H. took the offer with a blow to the head, but the Savage shrugged it off. R.H. finally managed to stagger the Savage with a kick to the stomach, but the Savage responded by clotheslining R.H., then picking him up and body-slamming him. Even R.H.'s signature move, the 40-Acres-and-a-Mule Kick, was no use. Finally, the Savage ended the match by breaking Reparation H's neck.

Distraught by the death of his genetic progenitor, Separation H took the stage and swore vengeance on the entire B.R.A.W.L. institution in general, and the Noble Savage in particular. However, before he'd even finished his speech, the Savage came up behind him and snapped his neck in mid-challenge.

As The Noble Savage gloated and challenged all comers, Silent Violent (the world's deadliest mime) entered. The Savage's bravado faltered at the sight of her, and announcer Cowboy Ross Gordon realized the Savage's one weakness: Just like everybody else in the world, he's creeped out by mimes. The Savage, insisting that he wasn't afraid, challenged Silent Violent to a match next week.

The Love-Me-or-Leave-Me match between Little Bunny F-- You and Reuben began. They circled each other, with Bunny throwing a few weak, half-hearted blows, until they realized they didn't want to hurt each other at all. As they held each other passionately, referee Straightlaced Billy Tyler counted that embrace as a pin and issued the three-count. Reuben then got on his knee and proposed. However, before Bunny could accept, Comic Kaze ruined the moment by rushing in and tearing off Bunny's shirt, humiliating her. Kaze, jealous of Bunny's happiness and the audience's love for her, declared that she was sick of Bunny's combination of cuteness and profanity. Bunny agreed to fight Kaze next week--after her wedding to Reuben.

Manorexia, forced to wear a jumpsuit and a Running-Man explosive collar, was serving The Noble Savage hand and foot. When announcer/heartless rich bastard Chad Champion called the Savage aside for some business, Harry Tubman entered to inspire Manorexia to fight for his freedom. Bringing Manorexia's biggest fan on stage, Harry freed Manorexia from bondage...from his explosive collar...and from his clothing. After giving Manorexia back his trademark sheer tights, Harry sent him on his way...because nobody wants to see that any more than they have to.

Finally, the night's Main Event: The Ultrasound Pay-Per-View match, pitting Elana Platinum (the unborn child of Stephen Platinum and Julie Platinum) against the implanted fetus-clone Chad Champion Jr....Oh Dear Lord, I can't write this! It was icky enough seeing that on the stage, there's no way I'm going to transcribe what happened! Suffice it to say, Elana won.

Seriously, this was only slightly less disturbing than a Takashi Miike film.

Next week: The grand finale...the final B.R.A.W.L. ever! How will they top this (or sink any lower, depending on your point of view)? I don't know, and I'm kind of afraid to find out. But I'll be there nevertheless!

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B.R.A.W.L. Double Shot, Part 1

I didn't have the time to write up the June 29th edition of B.R.A.W.L. last week, so I'm going to try to catch up with a double-dose today. So, let's jump right in:

B.R.A.W.L. Week 7

Wrestler/activist Reparation H addressed the audience, explaining that he'd promised himself that he would quit if he ever began losing...and after his defeat in last week's tag-team match, he was ready to leave. Just then, his spiritual leader Harry Tubman arrived, leading the audience in a rousing song inspiring R.H. to never give up. Tubman urged R.H. to free Ricky Spitz from Smarky Mark's control, explaining that it's his duty to oppose slavery regardless of race, creed, or color.

Speaking of which, Smarky Mark was at that time humiliating Ricky Spitz, while boasting to the audience that he'd do the same to all former champions. At that moment, Reparation H entered, accompanied by Little Bunny F-- You (who was there to confront co-announcer/heartless rich bastard Chad Champion about the disappearance of her date Reuben). R.H. challenged Mark to a match to win Ricky's freedom. Chad raised the stakes: If R.H. wins, Ricky is free...but if he loses, Bunny will become Chad's slave.

Comic Kaze, the stand-up wrestler, called out Silent Violent (the world's deadliest mime) in an attempt to maek peace and re-establish communication...but then showed her true colors by slapping Silent Violent. S.V. refused to stoop to Kaze's level, and instead dove off stage and mime-swam away. Kaze declared that this was proof of S.V.'s cowardice.

The between Reparation H and Smarky Mark began. Mark unleashed a body chop against R.H., to no effect. A second blow staggered R.H. Mark then teabagged R.H., but R.H. easily threw him off. R.H. pinned Mark, but just then, Chad Champion interfered, pinning R.H. and creating a dogpile. The two referees disagreed on the outcome, with Straightlaced Billy Tyler announcing R.H. the winner, and Professor D.Q. McGillicutty siding with Chad. The final decision: Since R.H. pinned Mark, Ricky Spitz was freed from slavery...but since Chad pinned R.H., Little Bunny F-- You was now Chad's slave. Chad told Ricky to enjoy his freedom while he could...then he had Ricky taken away to be frozen in Dolemite.

The suave ladies' man Armando prepared to face The Noble Savage in a bout for the life of half-woman/half-beast Feral Fawcett. Armando and the Savage were evenly matched, exchanging blows back and forth to little effect, until the Savage punched Armando in the groin. While Armando was doubled over, the Savage snapped his neck, then claimed victory by pinning the corpse. Feral Fawcett, unable to resist her animal instincts, began humping Armando's body despite her genuine love for him. Understandably creeped out, Straightlaced Billy Tyler tried to shoo Feral away by whacking her with a rolled-up newspaper.

After the intermission, announcers Chad Champion and Cowboy Ross Gordon returned to the ring to discover Comic Kaze helplessly suspended by mime-strings, being manipulated as a marionette by Silent Violent. They freed Kaze by pretending to cut the strings.

Enraged by Armando's murder, Reparation H challenged the Noble Savage to a revenge match.

Chad Champion and Smarky Mark gloated over their evil plans, pulling back a curtain to reveal Ricky Spitz frozen in Dolemite. Chad then brought out Little Bunny F-- You, forced to wear a Princess Leia slave outfit and a chain around her neck. As Chad laughed, two hooded figures made their way to the ring, getting past Mark with the Jedi mind trick. They lowered their hoods, revealing themselves as Reparation H and Bunny's boyfriend Reuben. Reuben smacked Mark (who immediately ran away). While R.H. released Ricky, Bunny freed herself by putting Chad in a sleeper.

Steven Platinum (the evil, goateed clone of former champion/former announcer Stephen Platinum) came out and accused the audience of bigotry against evil clones. Just then, Stephen came out to answer Steven's challenged. It would be a fight to the death...and referee D.Q. McGillicutty had a gun to carry out that sentence if the fighters didn't do it themselves. As the fight began, the two Platinums easily blocked each other's blows for some time. They both grabbed chairs and began swinging, but again, they blocked each other's every move. At that point, Stephen dropped his chair, declaring that his love for his pregnant wife Julie had made him a better man than that. He challenged Steven to fight fair, like a real man. Accepting the challenge, the clone threw away his chair. Stephen Platinum then announced that, while he may be a better man...he's not a stupid man. With that, Julie Platinum handed her husband the chair, which he slammed over the clone's head. Steven Platinum fell atop his own discarded chair, and Stephen delivered the coup de grace with one final blow, smashing the clone in a chair sandwich.

As Stephen and Julie Platinum celebrated Stephen's victory, Chad Champion announced that his evil plans weren't finished. Chad revealed that, during the time that he had Julie kidnapped, he had implanted a clone-fetus of himself inside Julie, alongside the Platinums' own child. Next week, Chad announced, the main event would be: Elana Platinum vs. Chad Champion Jr. in an ultrasound pay-per-view!

Previous bouts:

B.R.A.W.L. Week 2
B.R.A.W.L. Week 6

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Saturday, July 07, 2007

What I Sang 07-07-07

"Der Komissar" by After the Fire.
"I Started a Joke" by The Bee Gees.
"Call and Answer" by Barenaked Ladies.
"Lotta Lovin'" by Gene Vincent & the Blue Caps. (YouTube doesn't appear to have any clips of Gene Vincent doing this one, so here's a cover version.)


Friday, July 06, 2007

Friday Night Fights: Longbox Attack!

What's better than a guy getting pummelled with longboxes? A guy getting pummelled with longboxes whose labels make sight gags!

(Bahlactus keeps the bouts in mint condition...)

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Thursday, July 05, 2007

Thursday Night Thinking: Again, Figure Out What to Do on the Way Down

Well, it's high time I joined in the Thursday Night Thinking. And since last week's Friday Night Fights presented Del Close, the man of action...tonight, here's Del Close, thinking man!

Some thoughts are best left unexplained...
(Diamondrock doesn't need context!)

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Wednesday, July 04, 2007

American History, Animated Style!

Happy 4th of July!

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Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Cuteness Overload

As I type this, I can see two baby fawns in the backyard through the window. I'm touch=typing this because I can't tear my eyes away from them, so forgive me if I make any typos. What a breathtaking sight.

Okay, they just wandered back into the woods.


Sunday, July 01, 2007

What I Sang 6/30

I did try to boost my spirits with karaoke at CB South, starting with one of my favorite high-energy tunes:

"Run Runaway" by Slade.

Unfortunately, the spectre of jury duty is too much for even Slade to overcome, and I'm afraid my second selection had a tone more reflective of my mood:

"Under the Milky Way" by The Church.

I got no time for private consultation...


Gosh Darn It

Well, I was already having a less-than-stellar day...nothing particularly bad, just generally blah and uninspiring. Then, when I got home and checked the mail, I got a jury duty notice.