Fish-Flavored Baseball Bat

It's a John Cleese reference.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Friday Night Fights: B.R.A.W.L. Week 2

Last week, Dad's Garage started the new season of B.R.A.W.L. (Battle Royale American Wrestling League), their improv-meets-wrestling show with actual wrestling ("Just like real wrestling, only fake"). I wasn't able to be there for the first week, but I just got back from tonight's show...and, for the benefit of the Dad's Garage audience and the world at large, I've decided to post a recap of the night's events as my contribution to Friday Night Fights. (Even though it's technically Saturday by the time the show ends and I get home to post about it.) It may not be comics, but it's still colorful characters fighting on Friday night... (And I'd imagine Bahlactus enjoys a night at the theatre...)

B.R.A.W.L. Week 2

In the opening match, the adorable-yet-nasty Little Bunny F-- You (daughter of the late Peter Rottentail and Scarietta) joined forces with Internet know-it-all Smarky Mark in a tag-team "Bee Positive Hive Match" against Manorexia (he of the disturbing physique and the even more disturbing sheer tights). When Manorexia discovered that the "Bee Positive Hive Match" was actually just a spelling bee ("mental wrestling"), he lashed out with a mammary chop to Bunny, and an eye-poke and a purple nurple to Mark. Bunny and Mark soon turned the tables and pinned Manorexia with a double Roman Pancake. As the penalty for losing, a swarm of bees was unleashed on Manorexia.

Ringside commentator (and former B.R.A.W.L. champion) Stephen Platinum was taken aback when his evil, goateed clone Steven Platinum went into the audience and started sweet-talking Stephen's pregnant wife Julie Platinum, giving her all the attention that Stephen had been neglecting.

Martha Von Hart , matriarch of the legendary Von Hart wrestling family, was giving a pep-talk to her son Davey-Boy Von Hart and his wife Diana Von Hart, when the mysterious half-woman/half-beast Feral Fawcett suddenly entered and attacked Diana in a vicious hair-pulling catfight. Davey-Boy pulled Feral off, but instead of fighting her, he turned his steroid-pumped rage on Diana in a disgusting display of domestic violence. Not one to stand for that, Diana responded with a hurricarana...which proved fatal for Davey-Boy. Totally justified.

Meanwhile, current champion The Noble Savage gloated over last week's victory over Zirconia (whom he defeated by tearing out her throat--she'll be laid up for a while but is doing nicely, thank you). Stephen Platinum and his co-commentator Cowboy Ross Gordon challenged the Savage to fight a classic old-school tag-team to be revealed later.

Former champion turned heartless rich bastard Chad Champion encountered the incredibly swollen (and thus even more disturbing) Manorexia...and threw a fireball at him just for fun.

Little Bunny F-- You and Feral Fawcett met for the first time, and immediately recognized their common bond as human/animal hybrid freaks. The orphaned Bunny accepted Feral as a mother figure, and they decided to join forces for revenge on the opponents who killed Bunny's parents: Chad Champion and Ground Zero, American referee Straightlaced Billy Tyler, whom Bunny blamed for not stopping the match.

Meanwhile, Straightlaced Billy Tyler was getting a tongue-lashing from his disappointed mentor, Professor D.Q. McGillicutty, who warned Billy that if he didn't shape up as a referee, he'd be replaced. Afterwards, boxer-turned-wrestler Heartmurmur Sampson encouraged Billy to stand up for himself. Heartmurmur told Billy that, if he ever needed help, he could just say the code-phrase "potato rings," and Heartmurmur would come running, fists a-flashin'.

Stephen Platinum apologized to Julie for paying too much attention to work and not enough to her. In the middle of his apology, Steven Platinum came up from behind and smashed a chair across Stephen's back.

Finally, the time came for the big match: The Noble Savage versus the old-school tag-team duo...of Kid 'n Play. This wasn't the old-school team that anybody had expected, but the Savage soon learned that underestimating them was a mistake. They unleashed a barrage of forearm smashes against the Savage's torso, before kicking him down to the mat. However, while Kid 'n Play were preoccupied with their victory dance, the Savage recovered. Grabbing Kid by the high-top fade, the Savage lifted him in a bodypress, followed by a backbreaker. The Savage then took down Play with a kick to the abdomen, put him in a headlock, and snapped his neck.

The winner and still champion: The Noble Savage!

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