Fish-Flavored Baseball Bat

It's a John Cleese reference.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

B.R.A.W.L. Double Shot, Part 1

I didn't have the time to write up the June 29th edition of B.R.A.W.L. last week, so I'm going to try to catch up with a double-dose today. So, let's jump right in:

B.R.A.W.L. Week 7

Wrestler/activist Reparation H addressed the audience, explaining that he'd promised himself that he would quit if he ever began losing...and after his defeat in last week's tag-team match, he was ready to leave. Just then, his spiritual leader Harry Tubman arrived, leading the audience in a rousing song inspiring R.H. to never give up. Tubman urged R.H. to free Ricky Spitz from Smarky Mark's control, explaining that it's his duty to oppose slavery regardless of race, creed, or color.

Speaking of which, Smarky Mark was at that time humiliating Ricky Spitz, while boasting to the audience that he'd do the same to all former champions. At that moment, Reparation H entered, accompanied by Little Bunny F-- You (who was there to confront co-announcer/heartless rich bastard Chad Champion about the disappearance of her date Reuben). R.H. challenged Mark to a match to win Ricky's freedom. Chad raised the stakes: If R.H. wins, Ricky is free...but if he loses, Bunny will become Chad's slave.

Comic Kaze, the stand-up wrestler, called out Silent Violent (the world's deadliest mime) in an attempt to maek peace and re-establish communication...but then showed her true colors by slapping Silent Violent. S.V. refused to stoop to Kaze's level, and instead dove off stage and mime-swam away. Kaze declared that this was proof of S.V.'s cowardice.

The between Reparation H and Smarky Mark began. Mark unleashed a body chop against R.H., to no effect. A second blow staggered R.H. Mark then teabagged R.H., but R.H. easily threw him off. R.H. pinned Mark, but just then, Chad Champion interfered, pinning R.H. and creating a dogpile. The two referees disagreed on the outcome, with Straightlaced Billy Tyler announcing R.H. the winner, and Professor D.Q. McGillicutty siding with Chad. The final decision: Since R.H. pinned Mark, Ricky Spitz was freed from slavery...but since Chad pinned R.H., Little Bunny F-- You was now Chad's slave. Chad told Ricky to enjoy his freedom while he could...then he had Ricky taken away to be frozen in Dolemite.

The suave ladies' man Armando prepared to face The Noble Savage in a bout for the life of half-woman/half-beast Feral Fawcett. Armando and the Savage were evenly matched, exchanging blows back and forth to little effect, until the Savage punched Armando in the groin. While Armando was doubled over, the Savage snapped his neck, then claimed victory by pinning the corpse. Feral Fawcett, unable to resist her animal instincts, began humping Armando's body despite her genuine love for him. Understandably creeped out, Straightlaced Billy Tyler tried to shoo Feral away by whacking her with a rolled-up newspaper.

After the intermission, announcers Chad Champion and Cowboy Ross Gordon returned to the ring to discover Comic Kaze helplessly suspended by mime-strings, being manipulated as a marionette by Silent Violent. They freed Kaze by pretending to cut the strings.

Enraged by Armando's murder, Reparation H challenged the Noble Savage to a revenge match.

Chad Champion and Smarky Mark gloated over their evil plans, pulling back a curtain to reveal Ricky Spitz frozen in Dolemite. Chad then brought out Little Bunny F-- You, forced to wear a Princess Leia slave outfit and a chain around her neck. As Chad laughed, two hooded figures made their way to the ring, getting past Mark with the Jedi mind trick. They lowered their hoods, revealing themselves as Reparation H and Bunny's boyfriend Reuben. Reuben smacked Mark (who immediately ran away). While R.H. released Ricky, Bunny freed herself by putting Chad in a sleeper.

Steven Platinum (the evil, goateed clone of former champion/former announcer Stephen Platinum) came out and accused the audience of bigotry against evil clones. Just then, Stephen came out to answer Steven's challenged. It would be a fight to the death...and referee D.Q. McGillicutty had a gun to carry out that sentence if the fighters didn't do it themselves. As the fight began, the two Platinums easily blocked each other's blows for some time. They both grabbed chairs and began swinging, but again, they blocked each other's every move. At that point, Stephen dropped his chair, declaring that his love for his pregnant wife Julie had made him a better man than that. He challenged Steven to fight fair, like a real man. Accepting the challenge, the clone threw away his chair. Stephen Platinum then announced that, while he may be a better man...he's not a stupid man. With that, Julie Platinum handed her husband the chair, which he slammed over the clone's head. Steven Platinum fell atop his own discarded chair, and Stephen delivered the coup de grace with one final blow, smashing the clone in a chair sandwich.

As Stephen and Julie Platinum celebrated Stephen's victory, Chad Champion announced that his evil plans weren't finished. Chad revealed that, during the time that he had Julie kidnapped, he had implanted a clone-fetus of himself inside Julie, alongside the Platinums' own child. Next week, Chad announced, the main event would be: Elana Platinum vs. Chad Champion Jr. in an ultrasound pay-per-view!

Previous bouts:

B.R.A.W.L. Week 2
B.R.A.W.L. Week 6

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