Fish-Flavored Baseball Bat

It's a John Cleese reference.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

B.R.A.W.L. Double Shot Part 2: Dad's Garage vs. Good Taste!

And now, my report on the penultimate episode of B.R.A.W.L.!

B.R.A.W.L. Week 8

Referee Professor D.Q. McGillicutty took his son, Straightlaced Billy Tyler, out for a father-son bonding night on the a strip club. The adorable but foul-mouthed Little Bunny F-- You followed them in, and was shocked to discover that her boyfriend Reuben was one of the dancers. He tried to explain that he needed the money, but she wanted no part of it. Reuben challenged her to a Love-Me-Or-Leave-Me match with their relationship as the stakes.

Boxer-turned-wrestler Heartmurmur Sampson was being interviewed, when Internet know-it-all Smarky Mark burst in, tired of Heartmurmur's constant insults and insinuations. The fight was on, with Heartmurmur thrashing Mark easily...until Mark got in a lucky blow to Sampson's chest, setting off his heart murmur and killing him. (Turns out it wasn't just a catchy nickname.) As Mark gloated over his victory, the audience booed loudly. Blaming the audience for his unpopularity, Mark angrily challenged the entire house to a match next week.

Feral Fawcett, wearing a black veil in mourning for Armando, led the audience in a Santeria ritual in an attempt to contact his spirit. Before that could happen, however, a note arrived from The Terrorist, explaining that he was disgusted by this display of love, and challenging her to a Love vs. Hate match.

Reparation H issued a challenge to The Noble Savage, when his clone Separation H interrupted, urging him to stop the cycle of black-on-black violence for the entertainment of a white audience. R.H. replied that this challenge wasn't about race or was about avenging Armando.

Stand-up wrestler Comic Kaze was interviewing Ricky Spitz and Manorexia about the upcoming induction of a new member to the B.R.A.W.L. Hall of Fame, pointing out that only one of them could enter. Ricky and Manorexia each insisted that the other was more deserving, continually building each other up while debasing themselves. They challenged each other to a You're-Better-Than-Me Respect-Off match.

The bout between Reparation H and The Noble Savage began. The cocky Savage offered R.H. the first blow for free; R.H. took the offer with a blow to the head, but the Savage shrugged it off. R.H. finally managed to stagger the Savage with a kick to the stomach, but the Savage responded by clotheslining R.H., then picking him up and body-slamming him. Even R.H.'s signature move, the 40-Acres-and-a-Mule Kick, was no use. Finally, the Savage ended the match by breaking Reparation H's neck.

Distraught by the death of his genetic progenitor, Separation H took the stage and swore vengeance on the entire B.R.A.W.L. institution in general, and the Noble Savage in particular. However, before he'd even finished his speech, the Savage came up behind him and snapped his neck in mid-challenge.

As The Noble Savage gloated and challenged all comers, Silent Violent (the world's deadliest mime) entered. The Savage's bravado faltered at the sight of her, and announcer Cowboy Ross Gordon realized the Savage's one weakness: Just like everybody else in the world, he's creeped out by mimes. The Savage, insisting that he wasn't afraid, challenged Silent Violent to a match next week.

The Love-Me-or-Leave-Me match between Little Bunny F-- You and Reuben began. They circled each other, with Bunny throwing a few weak, half-hearted blows, until they realized they didn't want to hurt each other at all. As they held each other passionately, referee Straightlaced Billy Tyler counted that embrace as a pin and issued the three-count. Reuben then got on his knee and proposed. However, before Bunny could accept, Comic Kaze ruined the moment by rushing in and tearing off Bunny's shirt, humiliating her. Kaze, jealous of Bunny's happiness and the audience's love for her, declared that she was sick of Bunny's combination of cuteness and profanity. Bunny agreed to fight Kaze next week--after her wedding to Reuben.

Manorexia, forced to wear a jumpsuit and a Running-Man explosive collar, was serving The Noble Savage hand and foot. When announcer/heartless rich bastard Chad Champion called the Savage aside for some business, Harry Tubman entered to inspire Manorexia to fight for his freedom. Bringing Manorexia's biggest fan on stage, Harry freed Manorexia from bondage...from his explosive collar...and from his clothing. After giving Manorexia back his trademark sheer tights, Harry sent him on his way...because nobody wants to see that any more than they have to.

Finally, the night's Main Event: The Ultrasound Pay-Per-View match, pitting Elana Platinum (the unborn child of Stephen Platinum and Julie Platinum) against the implanted fetus-clone Chad Champion Jr....Oh Dear Lord, I can't write this! It was icky enough seeing that on the stage, there's no way I'm going to transcribe what happened! Suffice it to say, Elana won.

Seriously, this was only slightly less disturbing than a Takashi Miike film.

Next week: The grand finale...the final B.R.A.W.L. ever! How will they top this (or sink any lower, depending on your point of view)? I don't know, and I'm kind of afraid to find out. But I'll be there nevertheless!

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