Fish-Flavored Baseball Bat

It's a John Cleese reference.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

B.R.A.W.L. Week 6

I wasn't able to make it to B.R.A.W.L. for a few weeks, but I'm right back in the action! And even having been out of touch, I was able to pick up on the important developments that I missed:

Zirconia, whose throat and voicebox were torn out by The Noble Savage in Week One, has more-or-less recovered and adopted a new fighting persona: Silent Violent, the world's deadliest mime.

Referee Straightlaced Billy Tyler has learned that he is in fact the son of his mentor, Professor D.Q. McGillicutty. Also, Billy's left hand has been replaced with a hook, but I don't know the story behind that.

Almost the entire Von Hart wrestling family has been killed, leaving only the matriarch Martha Von Hart and her son Owen Von Hart.

Internet know-it-all Smarky Mark has framed boxer-turned-wrestler Heartmurmur Sampson for inappropriate behavior with an 8-year-old fan.

Smarky Mark has also won the contract of the beloved Ricky Spitz, effectively making Ricky his slave.

Former champion turned heartless rich bastard Chad Champion has replaced B.R.A.W.L. founder Stephen Platinum as the co-announcer, reducing Stephen to a mere audience member. On the plus side, Stephen has been reunited with his pregnant wife Julie Platinum, who had previously been kidnapped by Chad, but was now free, safe and sound.

Stephen Platinum's evil goateed clone Steven Platinum is still wreaking havoc, and The Noble Savage is still champion (having killed all his opponents).

And now that I've caught up on the backstory (more or less), THIS...IS...B.R.A.W.L.!

Now that he's co-announcer, Chad Champion instituted the first of his changes to B.R.A.W.L. by forcing Manorexia to put on some clothes over his trademark sheer tights. He had also made Manorexia wear a Running-Man-style explosive collar to keep him under control.

Activist wrestler Reparation H confronted his extremist clone Separation H. When Separation's fellow evil clone Steven Platinum joined in the trash-talk, Stephen Platinum rose from the audience and issued the challenge: An original-vs.-clone tag-team match.

Chad Champion introduced his new find: Comic Kaze, the stand-up wrestler. Kaze introduced herself by interviewing Silent Violent (completely misinterpreting all of S.V.'s pantomimes), until S.V. got fed up and took out Kaze by mime-choking her.

The half-woman, half-beast Feral Fawcett sang a song about her heartbreak, noting that she couldn't stop herself from humping any fallen opponent, but wanted to find true love. The suave ladies' man Armando listened in and vowed to make her happy.

Smarky Mark humiliated his new slave Ricky Spitz by forcing him to wear a dress, then lie down on the mat without resisting while Mark pinned him. Mark promised the same treatment to all the former champions.

The adorable but foul-mouthed Little Bunny F-- You was so lonely that she held a contest to go on a date with an audience member. When the winner (a guy named Reuben) was selected, Smarky Mark showed up and insisted that HE was entitled to the date. Since Bunny's favorite quality in a man is a sense of humor, she made Mark and Reuben face-off with a game of "Blankman's Daughter." When Reuben won, Chad Champion butted in and demanded the date himself. Chad and Reuben played "Rock, Paper, Scissors," but Chad was disqualified when he cheated by throwing "dynamite."

The originals-vs.-clones tag-team match began, with Stephen Platinum and Reparation H facing off against Steven Platinum and Separation H. The battle was heated (with Reparation H coming very close to victory with his trademark 40-Acres-and-a-Mule-Kick), until Stephen Platinum let his ego get in the way by not letting Reparation tag him out--instead, he insisted on staying in the ring despite the punishment he'd taken, and his clone eventually pinned him.

Little Bunny F-- You and Reuben were out on their date at Fritti, when Chad Champion came in and spoiled their evening by spilling a drink on Reuben. Reuben turned the other cheek and took the high road, until Chad blinded him with a fireball. Bunny struck back with her most effective weapon--a stream of non-stop profanity.

Having learned a lesson from his defeat, Stephen Platinum realized that he had to become the man he once was, the man that Julie knew and fell in love with. He would no longer be the wishy-washy Stephen Platinum and play second fiddle to his clone...he was now once again the one, true MISTER Platinum!

Finally, it was time for the evening's big match: The Noble Savage against Owen Von Hart, the last of the Von Hart clan. The savage, brutal bout went on, with both opponents repeatedly gaining and losing the upper hand, until the Savage threw Owen out of the ring and took the fight out into the audience, eventually slamming Owen's head against the back wall of the theater. They made their was back to the ring, where the Savage stunned Owen with a leg-drop to the neck. While Owen was dazed, the Savage left the ring and returned with a large folding table. Setting it up in the ring, Savage laid Owen on the table and was about to body-slam him when Owen's mother Martha Von Hart threw herself on top of Owen to shield him. While the Savage pried Martha away, Owen recovered and put the Savage on the table. Owen body-slammed the Savage TWICE until the table shattered. Owen pinned the stunned Savage. Victory seemed within his grasp, until the Savage broke free just before the three-count. The Savage finally ended the match by snapping Owen's neck. Distraught by her son's death, Martha furiously pounded on the Savage, until he placed her in a headlock. Realizing she was doomed, Martha called out to announcer Cowboy Ross Gordon (whom she'd always regarded as an honorary Von Hart) and promised him the Von Hart family fortune, but the Savage broke her neck before she could say where it was hidden.

Unable to control her animal instincts, Feral Fawcett rushed in and began humping Owen's body. Enraged, the Noble Savage siezed her and was about to finish her off when Armando ran to the rescue. A challenge was issued for next week's bout: Armando vs. the Noble Savage. The stakes: Feral Fawcett's life!

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